I miss my Mum

My cousin is having a baby, it’s her fourth, she has three boys, this one is a girl. Due in November, I found out about it on Facebook yesterday.

My Aunt has moved house, I’m not sure when, she recently had a fall and is now in hospital awaiting surgery on a brain aneurism. It’s tomorrow, or today in Australia. I am hoping it goes well. Found out about that by emailing another cousin whose news I used to know, but the regular information source has been missing for the last nine months.

Someone else has moved interstate, I’m not sure exactly where but they have bought a house and are renovating, she’s an architect. Her mother and my mum were the closest of friends. They were high on the news rotation in our calls.

Despite how plugged in I am and remain to the online world, I don’t know the back stories or the tidbits that fill in the gaps. I see the outlines and scraps on Facebook or a sentence in an email and I feel disconnected where before I felt connected to them and their story.

These are the conversations I miss with my mother, filling in the gaps.

The other day I went for a ‘long run’ in marathon training terms and it was hot, it was hard and I was probably a bit dehydrated at the end. I collapsed on the front step and cried a bit because it was hard, because of the reasons I am training for the marathon, because I miss my Mum.

My six year old daughter appeared

‘What are you crying about?’

‘I was thinking about Mumma and how I miss her’

‘Oh, are you still going on about that? That was months ago!’

We’ll leave the empathy lesson for later, I know that’s how the world sees it as well, she was only speaking the truth. It still hurt.

We have new neighbours Mum would love, she would want to know that some of our regular Thursday night drinks crew on the street corner have moved on and the people who bought their house have a daughter in my daughter’s class at school. Because she came to stay last summer for three months she would be able to picture the people and the houses I am talking about and she would have questions and comments aplenty.  The new school year has started, she would want to know about classes and friends and coping skills.

I went to BlogHer recently in Chicago. I was looking for my tribe. I’m not sure what I found but I did love the conference, the city and the people I met. One of the speakers was Sheryl Sandberg, I am a bit of a fan girl. When she spoke she pitched the whole thing perfectly to her audience, as you would expect a speaker of her experience to do. Before she spoke she spent time in the audience meeting and greeting some people and learning their stories, then she used, with their permission, those stories in her speech.

Many people spoke of how they admired her approaching it that way and found it impressive. I found her a great speaker, but I guess I expected that she would do that. That was Terrie Baxter to a T, it was how she did it, her role as the International President of a Public Speaking organisation may have had something to do with it, but it is the standard I expect.

There are so many things in my every day life that remind me of Mum and they are hard. Lately I have been thinking about them, a lot. My relationships with my other family members, my father, my mother in law and even my brother have suffered in the last nine months as I try to adjust to this change in my life. I will get there, I think I just need a moment or two to pause and collect myself, or another one…

Recently a special friend sent me a message

I thought of you today sweet, as I often do. You need to get Gold Dust, the ministry of sound version, to run to. If uninspired, it’s a fab song. Hope all is ok, from personal experience, this is when I found losing Mum really, really hard. Hope you are doing ok sweetie, I really am thinking of you often.

Haven’t got the song yet but the rest of it is spot on.



12 responses to “I miss my Mum

  1. So glad I got to meet your mom. And I’m not surprised your heart is still aching. What a wonderful person and lucky-you got to have her as your mom. You gave a brilliant description of what is missing in your life and I felt it 1/2 way around the world.

    Sending love to you–Mel

  2. I have been out of SA 4 days and I am missing my mum so much, especially with all that happened in the last 3 days. I know I can still just pick up the phone and know she is there. Your mum may not be able to answer, but she is there, and she may not be able to comment, but she knows what’s going on. And others may not understand why you are still so sad, but they don’t have to, because no matter what, life will get a little easier to live without her there, but you will never stop missing her and you will always feel a little sad when you think about it and that’s because you had an incredible mother and one day Willow will realize the same thing about hers. Hang in there and keep talking to her, some how her answers, or comments will come to you. Lots of love.

  3. Aaah Nikki. Well written and so sorry. I am feeling sad too, just reading this. Btw, Tutes has the same response as Willow 😦 The reason I think it is such a lonely time is that only you have had that relationship with your Mum. Take solace in that, because only you can remember how truely special it was. Big hugs x

  4. Reading this makes me want to give you a hug – a hug by someone who missed her mum for the last 19 years, most of the time without tears, but with the awareness that the love between a mother and her daughter will carry on, no matter wherever or however – she is there with you!! xx

  5. This Poem helps me when I am missing my Dad x

    ‘And time remembered is grief forgotten, And frosts are slain and flowers begotten, And in green underwood and cover, Blossom by blossom the spring begins.’

    Hold tight those precious memories – others may get to Spring a little quicker, but one day you find you are smiling when you think of her rather than feeling the intense pain x

  6. Michael mcdonald

    Oh darling, I read your FB post, this is the first time I’ve seen this. My mother died when I was 25 and this extra time didn’t help, I particularly find it hard that she never met my children. Thoughts are with you xx

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